


Thin Ice

by Eluvian



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Citadel doctor is an asari, Hurt Kaidan Alenko, I APOLOGIZE, I am an emotional mazochist, Mild Sexual Content, Other, POV Kaidan Alenko, Past Kaidan Alenko/Female Shepard, Past Kaidan Alenko/Shepard, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sexual Confusion, Sexual Content, Sexual Tension, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-04
Updated: 2020-10-04
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:35:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26812243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eluvian/pseuds/Eluvian
Summary: Kaidan mentions one "doctor on the Citadel" in the Horizon letter, so this is kinda based on that. Basically what it says in the tags. Survivor's guilt and PTSD after Shepard died, and... the doctor believes she knows the solution, but... she is wrong”
Relationships: Kaidan Alenko & Citadel Doctor, Kaidan Alenko/Citadel Doctor





	Thin Ice

Not a day passed by when he didn’t think about her.

Of course, it was hard to avoid. She’d been a famous person. Her face was still everywhere, her name in the news, commemorations, people expressing their condolences, unwanted and dishonest sentences, glances, attempted hugs.

He just wanted them to leave him alone.

Every night the same images came back. Sometimes they changed, but the feeling was the same.

_„…and I’m not leaving either.”_

But he did. He left. He did not want to but she gave an order and there was no way of objecting.

How stupid he was.

Joker was there. Joker saw it all. Joker saw her in her last moments and _he_ didn’t.

If he stayed… It would have been one motion. Just to stand next to her and prevent all this. Time and time again he imagined himself reaching for her arm and pulling her closer. Nothing would have happened. Nothing. They all would have evacuated and got out safe. Survivors of the SSV Normandy SR1. Continuing their fight in the galaxy. Together.

She was so beautiful.

He knew everytime he should just shut these images out. The glimmer of her emerald eyes, her make-up-free face, her short ginger hair that stroked her chin when she moved, her eyebrows that she raised even higher when she looked at him, incredulous, doubtful, teasing. The tingle of her biotics on is skin. Her sounds when she-

_Shut. Up._

Sometimes he questioned why he was alive. He should have died on Virmire. He should have die din the Collector attack. Women kept dying because of him and it was enough.

For a while he tried to blind himself with focussing on what he was at least good at. Accepting orders. Fighting. Climbing the ranks. Not that he cared about that, but they came with the job. He just always had to do… something. Something that prevented him from thinking.

Until, at some night, the memories came back again. He lost sleep. He couldn’t concentrate. Thus he couldn’t carry out the only thing that prevented him from going crazy. An endless circle.

Everyone said he needed a psychiatrist. He didnt want one. But, they said, after such a trauma it is not a weakness to talk to someone. So after 8 months of torturing himself with the same images over and over, and the thought that he could have done something but didn’t… He gave in.

No. It was not giving in. It was… giving himself another chance. Trying to get better. Just a few occasions. Just talking. Answering questions. Nothing wrong with that.

Her name was Valynia Nevaris. Her face markings were purple and white, ornamented around her eyes, forming a kind of triangular shape at her forehead, and soft, ornamented lines on her chin and her cheeks, he often trailed off and examined them instead of listening to her and answering her questions. When she remarked that, he apologized. His face burned red and he didn’t like that. She made him nervous but then she started talking and he just drifted off into some kind of haze, sinking into the sea of her words.

Her voice was calming, soft, sweet and high-pitched and definitely did not resemble _her_ voice. Which was good. She was an asari. Not a woman. Not a woman, he had to remind himself.

Why?

Because her body did resemble that of a woman and he could not keep himself from just… watching her. And wanting to do more.

For a while he hoped she wouldn’t find out. That it wasn’t so obvious, and for a while he even tried to lie to himself: it wasn’t even true. But his mind could not argue with his body and he hated himself for it. And when he hated himself, he could not answer the questions right. He could not say the right sentences. It was hard for him anyway. More than often he would start a sentence and just finish with “I don’t know”. Valynia did not mind this. She was considerate. She would wait until he finally managed to mutter a sentence and if he was too uncomfortable, he let it go. Changed topics. Their conversations often felt natural, comfortable and soothing. She was good.

But she looked good too. And sounded good. And smelled good. And that made things impossible after a while.

One day she realised this and he had to face what he’d wanted to avoid for so long.

‘Listen. If you wish for something, all you need to do is ask.’

He was not yet sure if she meant what he thought she meant. She was sitting next to him in an extremely comfortable dark purple chair, facing a giant glass window and beyond it, the wings of the Citadel and sky cars drifting by. They would stare at the distance, both of them, and if reassurance was needed, one of them turned their face to the other.

Now she turned her face towards him.

He chuckled, uncomfortably and tried to avoid a direct answer.

‘Last I checked, this wasn’t how life worked, doc.’

‘It can be with me.’ Her voice a seductive thread of silk.

Why did she…

No, this must have been just a weird dream. No, a completely stereotypic and normal dream, nevertheless he did not want to have it.

‘I… I’m afraid I don’t understand.’

‘Oh, I think you understand. You are full of pressure and none of the methods I’ve tried seem to help you.’

‘No, it’s alright. You’ve helped a lot. Really, I like these talks we are having. It’s… nothing is your fault. It’s mine.’

‘See? This sentence proves I haven’t been successful.’

Kaidan was grateful that the conversation took a different turn… At least for a while.

‘No. You have. I feel much better. Trust me. Don’t try to convince me I don’t. That’s what you always do, convince me.’

He spoke out of turn. He felt this wasn’t the usual kind of conversation between a psychiatrist and a patient… Valynia was always like that. Somehow odd. Somehow different. Only because he expected her to act like a human female psychiatrist. Which she wasn’t. She was a doctor, but she never specified what kind of relationships she’d had with any of her patients. She didn’t talk about them, but she didn’t specify they didn’t ever… get… closer.

‘I’m glad you feel better. But there’s something else you want. And I have to point that out because you wouldn’t ask.’

His skin was in flames. Why was she calling him out like that? What was the purpose… just why…

He needed to wake up.

He already visualised her standing up from that chair, turning towards him and straddling him while stroking his face.

Was he really this thirsty?

Pathetic. Just pathetic. Disgusting. Weak. Worthless.

These words really weren’t helping his self-esteem and will to live, he had to admit. They were the only way to avoid feeling like a horrible person though. Suppressing all these.

When the only point of having sessions with a doctor was to NOT suppress things.

An endless circle, again.

Valynia remained seated though. He took the courage to look into her eyes, and saw only compassion. And seriousness.

‘Look, doctor, this does not really sound… appropriate.’

‘Why would it not be?’ she asked genuinely. How could she not realise? Nonsense.

‘Well, I don’t know, in… with humans there are all kinds of legal objections against having… these kinds of close relationships.’

He did not believe he just said that out loud.

‘I am aware of that. But I am no human. No such laws bind me. And if you have emotional concerns…’

Kaidan wanted to object. But he was not entirely sure. Did he have emotional concerns?

Oh, yeah, he definitely did.

‘I am offering this only if you wish. I’m not forcing this onto you. But I know that you desire me and I believe it might help you if we resolve that.’

She was so clinical, but that did not make her any less desirable.

He thought he was done with this. Multiple women slept with him for short periods of time. Looking back, he was not sure what he wanted then. He was a soldier. He should have known those wouldn’t last. And sometimes he did not even want them to last. He only wanted pleasure for one night or two, and he despised himself for that, but both of them knew it and it was okay.

Until… until _her._

The person she shouldn’t be thinking about now.

Lately their talks with Valynia didn’t only revolve around her though. They’d talked about all kinds of things, and he was happy that he could tell the asari about tinier problems, annoyance, and even happier when the sessions weren’t even about complaining. They just seemed like a casual talk.

But now…

She called his name again, for like the fifth time.

‘So-sorry.’

‘I am sorry if I shocked you. Maybe my judgement was wrong.’ Valynia seemed regretful, confusion in her bluish-purple eyes, hesitation in her posture. Not something he’d seen very often.

‘You mean you don’t… You… have you done this before?’

He forgot he is not supposed to ask about other patients. He was curious. And ashamed. And horrified.

‘Don’t think about the others. Remember. Right now, I am only here for you.’

These words sounded tasty. But also cruel.

No, no thinking. Should stop thinking.

What could go wrong? She offered something and if he’d accept… Who could blame anyone? No legal objections to them having a fun time together once in a while…

No legal objections. No Alliance regulations stating that between crew members of the same ship-

Oh, for God’s sake.

The thoughts about _her_ kept coming back. He just wanted them to go the hell away. Forever. Or if not forever, then just for now. Now. Just now. Everything now.

‘B-but… what would this mean? I mean, could we… could we still talk?’

‘Can you not talk to someone after you have slept with them?’, she raised an eyebrow and the question made it sound so easy, so absurd and yet it made him want her even more. So primal. Primitive, even. Sometimes that was what he needed, it seemed.

He stared at Valynia, her never-judging face, kind face, open gaze, her slim arms, her beautiful purple dress, she was purple all over, like some delicate flower, and he wanted her, with no doubt, and she had no problem with that.

And _she_ was no more. Non-existent. Ghosts had no right to torture him anymore. Guilt fled through his heart. He survived and she did not…

Did not matter. He was here now and he had every right to enjoy this moment.

So he grasped it firmly and decided… why the hell not?

‘Alright’, he said, his voice hoarser than he imagined he would sound. He cleared his throat. He was pathetic, like a teenage kid. But it didn’t matter. Low self-esteem thoughts. Valynia did not care.

And when he said “alright”, her face changed. The usual kind smile appeared on it, her facial tattoos moving along with her skin, but not unnaturally. She was beautiful. He wanted to touch her. And he knew he was only seconds away from it. He’d given the affirmation. This would happen now. He shuddered with anticipation as his breathing quickened.

Valynia’s eyes glowed with a new sort of gravity. Her sensual lips parted, just a little, as she smiled at him and gestured with her fingers for him to stand up and come closer.

He did his best not to be clumsy as he got up from the chair.

‘So, alright? I like the sound of that. Remember. There is nothing wrong in what you are doing. Always know that. This is just a body.’ Her hands intentionally moved up and down her waist, a gesture obviously aimed at making the males of probably every species crazy.

Everyone that was attracted to female forms, he corrected himself.

He swallowed.

‘A very nice looking one at that.’

Here he was again. Pathetic. Why would an asari doctor need a compliment like that? Obviously she was aware of her attractiveness. All of them were. There was no chance that they haven’t been told they looked good at least every other day, by someone. But he felt like he had to say this. Easy, cliché things.

He realised he actually paid for this. It was so… wrong. Yet he wanted it so much. Wanted to be with her.

‘Hey. Don’t look at me like that.’

‘Sorry, doctor, it’s just kind of hard for me to believe-‘

‘Let’s be clear then. I’m not your doctor now.’

‘What are you then?’

‘What do you want me to be?’

_Oh here we go._

He scoffed.

‘I have never really been into role-play, if that’s what you’re implying.’

_And here you are, talking, again. Stupid. Should have just kissed her. Not talk. Talk, talk. All the time. No point._

His thoughts wouldn’t remain silent.

‘You have never been. What are you into now?’

_You._

It should have been the answer. It felt so obvious, yet he couldn’t bring himself to say it.

‘Do I have to make a list?’

He wanted to die. Why couldn’t he just shut up?

She laughed, and if it were anyone else, he would’ve wanted to sink under the floor. But when Valynia laughed, he did not feel ashamed. Somehow she never judged, not even with her voice, and the same gestures and sentences that would’ve been rude coming from anybody else – they were nice from her.

‘No. Just do what you want to do.’

She reached out with her hand, touching his face in a soft but professional manner. She must have done this many times. Even this tiny motion gave it along.

It was all right. Just another thing in which she differed from Sh… from the woman that did not exist anymore.

She was different in every way.

And that was perfect.

He wanted her to be different. In every way.

‘So this is just a physical affair we are going to have.’

Okay. She was not his doctor now. She was his lover.

Lover. Fine. He could go with it.

Her body was his now.

He touched her waist and ran his fingers along it, their faces getting closer so he could feel her heat, smell her, stare into those huge understanding eyes from up close.

No, not understanding. Devouring. He imagined a passionate hunger into her eyes. Or maybe it was there. He didn’t know. He didn’t want to think about it. Maybe she just faked it all. So be it. It was bad, unethical, wrong, but it wasn’t. It was just his body. And her body. Pleasure. What was wrong with pleasure? Stress relief. Health.

Heat. Warmth. Taste. He wanted it.

‘Yes. Yes, it is.’

Playing the game. Fine. Why not? Maybe it would help, indeed.

‘Stop worrying’, the asari purred. The memories came again. This sounded like _her_. She’d told him he worried too much.

_Shut. Up._

It did not sound like her. Valynia’s voice was blue, it was purple, everything about her was different.

Yes.

Different.

He was blind now, and wanted to be even blinder. With a dark glance he closed the distance between them and kissed her. Hard. He bit her lips. He’s not done it before. Not this strongly. He knew she wouldn’t object. Somehow it felt like Valynia could predict everything he would do. Nothing would surprise her. She read him like an open book, and it felt safe. She wouldn’t be angry, he knew that.

And she wasn’t. She cried out with a moan that sounded unfamiliar. Her heart raced fast under that brilliant dress of hers, under that dark blue-purple skin, under that exotic wonder he’d told himself he didn’t want. Oh, what a beautiful lie it was.

He’d take it. All that he wanted. And she would give, willingly. For minutes, he devoured her sweet taste and enjoyed the blue flames they were surrounded by. He went crazy with biotics at times like this and he didn’t even notice.

Times like this… When he realised that even THIS reminded him of something it shouldn’t have, he stopped. Nevermind. She was tasty without blue lights as well. She was new, her shapes were unknown, rewarding.

Her hands moved to his neck, to the back of his skull, to the erogenous zone where the implant was inserted into his body. That felt familiar, so he reached firmly for that hand, guilt rushing through him. He had to stop it. So he did the first thing he could think of. He guided Valynia’s hand to his loins. Something he’s never done before. Primitive. Good. Satisfaction rushed through him as her hands grasped him, and he groaned.

Something. Something he’s never done before. That is unlike him. He wanted to be something different now. If he is different, _she_ won’t be here, right?

If he is an uncontrolled animal, if he is playing, then it would all go away, right?

He parted his lips from hers, opening his eyes, and was surprised to see the blue shade when he did so. It was so odd that this was happening. All those weeks, just thinking about this, imagining it, oh, yeah, he had imagined something like this before, of course, but tried to keep it hidden. Now with every moment they touched, he felt freer and freer.

She giggled, and it seemed natural, he wasn’t sure if it was. She looked up at him with a cat’s eye, waiting for him to act, yet the same kindness was still in there. It always was. She was still herself. And her breathing, her heartbeat… she wanted him.

He took her hand again and guided it to his throat. That was definitely something unfamiliar. She understood the gesture and applied pressure on it right away. He grasped her hand and squeezed so that she squeezed him as well, until it hurt too much. He did not even enjoy I but convinced himself he did, he _wanted_ to enjoy it. People enjoyed it. It was wild, and aggressive, and something they hadn’t…

The asari took the initiative now and found the nearest wall, pushing him to it while still holding his neck in her hands. Her eyes looked back at him like a predator’s eyes at the prey. He was sure it was just pretence, but it was hot pretence. Scary and hot.

Damn, his throat hurt. How could anyone find this sexy?  
Nevermind. If not this, then going back to the obvious things would work.

He continued to kiss her and touch her all over, and they ended up on the floor, entangled, her back against the floor, her dress lying on the ground in a curled-up mess, her legs around his waist, his body pressing her down, and before he’d undress, he wanted to enjoy that gravity just pushed him onto her, no effort was needed, it just happened, and felt so awesome…

Her hands grabbed his face and locked her eyes with his. He saw all the pleasure he gave her in her eyes, and it filled him with satisfaction. He got lost in those blue lakes for a moment, dreamily drinking the desire in them.

Then her eyes changed. A dark layer began to ascend on them, and he felt tendrils of something alien climb under his skin. Something was pulling his whole consciousness in, making his skin tingle and sending a wave through him that felt like descending into hot water. Just in a moment.

Shocked, he backed out.

He did not remember how he did it afterwards. Just a second before, they looked at each other in a close embrace, the next, he was on his knees desperately trying to get away from… get away from… that wonderful warmth that would have welcomed him with pleasure he could not ever imagine.

He was shaking, his muscles tensing up and loosening again, he stared at the floor trying to understand what happened.

It was cold.

So cold.

He swallowed. A beautiful blue lady with concerned eyes spoke his name once, twice, but he didn’t reply.

He just wanted to disappear.

He closed himself down so when she appeared in his vision again, now fully dresse, he did not realise how it happened. It was like a bad dream.

‘It’s alright.’

That soothing voice again. Familiar. Welcoming.

He could not believe he was kissing those lips just a few minutes before. Sucking them. Biting them.

 _She must think I’m an idiot_ , he thought. But he knew she didn’t. Somehow, she understood, even without words. She understood so many things. So he did not have to tell him why…

_‘You know, sometimes I envy the asari a little bit.’_

_‘You do?’_

_‘Yeah.’_

_‘What do you envy about them?’_

_‘I think you know.’_

_‘Tell me.’_

_‘Well. You have had that experience. With Liara. I know, it wasn’t like that, but still. You know more about that than I do.’_

_‘Uh-oh, getting jealous, are we?’_

_Her smile made his face burn for various reasons._

_‘I’m not-‘_

_‘Oh, yes, you are.’_

_‘Well, maybe I am.’_

_She turns her head to the side, climbs on top of him and stares down into his eyes, happily, proudly and mischievously._

_‘Do you want to find out what it feels like?’_

_‘No’, he says, but his mind admits with shame that he does. ‘I mean… I wanted to. Maybe. But now I don’t. I have something special with you and that’s enough for me.’_

He did not want more. “More” would cloud his thinking and wash away everything they had. If he knew what “more” felt like, how could he…

It wouldn’t be…

That was sacred. What they had was sacred. He had no right to know what “more” felt like.

He did not want to. He checked what his body wanted and it was anything but desire. Disgust. Cold. He could not imagine the person he was a few minutes ago.

The doctor was kneeling beside him. No matter how he turned his face away from her, she still found a way to make him look into her eyes. So he closed his eyes. The thump of a teardrop clashing against the ground followed. His shoulders were shaking.

_Pathetic._

But he did not care that he was pathetic. He just wanted her back.

He could not forget her. No matter how he tried. He could never forget her and she would never come back and there was no reason to think about it again, it has been almost two years and no wonder would bring her back.

‘I am sorry. I also make mistakes.’

And she was apologizing.

He wanted to talk but no words would come out of his mouth. His shoulders were shaking. He felt like she did not expect a reply though. She attempted to hug her and first he pushed her away, then he gave up the resistance and let her pull his head onto her shoulder. It brought back memories too but at this point he could not distinguish his fantasies from reality anyway.

Fantasies? More like nightmares.

He kept hearing her voice now, remembering her words and they just stormed at him again, the thoughts that he closed out in these few hours, they were just stronger now. It was as if she was there with him.

All this time he wanted to realise Valynia wasn’t _her_ and now the asari’s embrace felt just like hers.

He gave up.

She was there. She’s always been there. She wanted to help him and she didn’t know it only hurt because she wasn’t really there. Never would be.

So many things he wanted to tell her. So many things.

‘It will be alright. It will all be alright.’

How could she know?

These promises are never true. They are just lies.

Yet for now the only hope he had was to believe them.


End file.
